Big weight milestone!

Almost 4 years ago, I applied for the Peace Corps. Two years into the process, I went through their rigorous medical screening process and was diagnosed with Grave's Disease - a condition in which my thyroid sometimes goes into overdrive without warning. It's almost inconsequential in my day-to-day life, but it was enough for the Peace Corps to say, "Umm, no thanks."
I had to meet with an endocrinologist to get some of the paperwork completed and it was in his office that I realized that my lifestyle was unsustainable. While Grave's may not be life-threatening, being at the endocrinologist was a reminder I was on my way to a whole 'nother host of metabolic syndromes, such as type 2 diabetes and its tie-in with glaucoma (which I'm already at high-risk for).

Anyway, long story short, because of all the myriads of tests and vaccinations I had to go through, I ended up with a copy of all my medical records from my pediatrician. And after I was, as they say in PC-speak, MNQed (medically not qualified) ... I took a look at the records as I tried to figure out a new plan for my future.

That's when I saw the weight chart. I had never really paid attention to what I weighed until I had to go to all these doctor visits for PC and got weighed every time I saw any medical professional ... but looking back at my history, I saw how my weight had always been at least 20lbs over the recommended weight for my height/age. And I saw how my weigh-in in 2000, at the age of 16, was 190lbs. And seeing that number at the age of 24 (weight: 218), I was astonished and think I made an unconscious vow to beat that number of 190lbs.

Well, today, I hit it: 189.6lbs!

I couldn't have told you in 2007 that weighing 190 would also mean wearing a size 10 and being able to run 5 miles, I just knew I wanted to beat my 16 y/o self. I guess a part of me never believed that I could even get/stay below 200lbs. (And with the approx-6-month plateau I hit at 200, I had good reason to doubt.)

I was talking to a friend about this milestone & she asked me what my goal weight was. And that's when I realized: I don't really have a goal weight. I mean, I gained weight so slowly and consistently that I don't have a memory of a time when I was at a good weight, a place where I could say "I feel healthy here" the way that so many people do. I feel like my weight-loss process has been so long and intensive that setting an arbitrary "goal weight" sort of ... I don't know, it limits my goals and ambitions, if that makes sense.

I think I might just keep pushing myself, and wherever my body stops is where it's meant to be. BMI charts say that the "healthy" weight for my height (5'8") is somewhere between 125-160 ... but honestly, I don't know how much I buy into the BMI. I prefer the Health at Every Size concept of a "setpoint weight," where your body feels comfortable. I'm pretty sure that my genes/body type would dictate that I would look ridiculous at 5'8" and 125lbs ... but I think I could be ok to strive for somewhere in the 150-160 range ... but at this point, I'm pretty happy with 190 and wouldn't begrudge 175 either!

While I'm elated to be hovering around 190, it's also not exactly real in my head. I know people say "weight is just a number" and to a certain extent, I think I buy into that more than most, as it isn't something that I really started thinking about or monitoring until about 2 years ago.
However, the changes in clothing size is really messing with me. I wore a size 14-16 for so long that I wearing a 10 is a funny feeling. Like I remember maybe 4-5 years ago thinking to myself that my body probably wouldn't ever get back down to a size 2 (where I was at age 8) but wouldn't it be great to wear a 10? because that's the lowest I could imagine myself.
So right now, today, I'm at 190 and wearing a size 10. That means that by 175-180, I could be wearing an 8. "But ..." my inner monologue says, "eight? That's what skinny girls wear!" (You know you've got body dysmorphia issues when ...;) )

I'm in uncharted territory here. These ideas about being a size "medium," while exciting, are out of my comfort zone in terms of my self-image. I'm really enjoying the thrill of all these new experiences ... while simultaneously not trying to be freaked out by coming to terms with the fact that I've been selling myself short for years. It will take time, but I am on my way to re-inventing my self-identity. And it is thrilling.

10 lbs!

From 202.8 on Jan 4, finally got down to 192.8 today.

Let's face it: I basically kick ass.

Losing weight is expensive!

Now here comes to bitchy post that will cause resentment (even from my future self), but I gotta say it:
Losing weight is expensive!

I'm not even talking about the cost of food (though I do seem to drop a fair amount more per pound at the Farmer's Market than the grocery store) or gym membership (worth every penny). I'm not even talking about "time-is-money" expensive (though I did spend 2 hours running, 1.5 hours in yoga class and 1.5 hours with the trainers last week).

I'm talking about new clothes.

I'm in the slow process of downgrading my pants from size 12 down to 10. It's really exciting - I literally jumped around and did a little dance in the Ann Taylor LOFT fitting room the first time I got a size 10 to zip up (especially since the khakis were on sale!) - but also, in a way, not cool at all. What about all the awesome size 14 and 16 jeans that I invested in? What about all the dresses that are suddenly baggy, or my favorite sweaters that look like they're hanging off of me? I love those clothes! I spent years amassing that wardrobe ... and now, POOF, I look stupid in all of it!

I don't know what to do with the old clothes - I like them too much to donate them (I'm selfish and they have a lot of sentimental value) and I also fear that some day I'll re-gain the weight and be upset that I gave them away. Should I hang on to them because I'm anticipating failure? Wouldn't a closet full of only clothes the right size be a motivator instead of a deterrent?

I'm not sure what I think about it anymore, I just know that pretty soon, I may need to get another job in order to pay off my new wardrobe. And it will totally be worth it.

Why I Run

A few days ago I got a postcard from my friend Tim. He wrote it with his mom, who saw on facebook that I had been running more & wanted to know why. “Are you going to run a marathon?” they asked on the postcard.

At first, I was glad that they noticed my newfound interest, but after a few days, the question on the postcard kind of got under my skin, because I couldn’t figure out a witty, postcard friendly response back as to why I run.

So I took this question, “why are you running?” out on the road with me for my Saturday long run. Here’s what I came up with:

I run because … I didn’t think I could.

· I started running with the Cool Running’s Couch-to-5K program and at first, I could barely pump out the 2-3 minute running drills … but as I continued, I watched my stamina grow and my strength increase, and I liked that feeling.

· From that first time out, I’ve been continually impressed at how my body has stepped up to the challenges of pushing harder and harder. Today, I wasn’t sure when I stepped out the door if I’d be able to go 5 miles, but at around 55 minutes and 4.6 miles, I knew that I’d be able to crank out not only 5 miles, but probably give it a little more after that. (Finished 5.25 mi in 1:08.)

I run because … I like the music.

· Running gives me the right to compile all my guilty pleasure songs into one playlist, from Michael Jackson to Kevin Rudolf.

· There’s something thrilling about half-dancing in a public place with the chance that someone may be watching – for example, when I mimic raising my glass to the “L’Chaim” moment in Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.”

· Like Kanye West says in “New Workout Plan,” I’m aspiring to get an NBA player as a boyfriend and feel less guilty about it when I run to this.

· It gives me something to talk about when I meet up with Corey Paige – which Candid songs really get me to hit my stride.

I run because … the economy needs consumer stimulation.

· I would feel terrible if Brooks shoes went under. That’s why I keep buying their newest model, without fail, every 4-6 months. (Currently running in Dyad 5’s.)

· Plus, I would feel even worse if I spent $100 on shoes and then let them sit alone in my closet. “Brilliant shoes are meant to be worn” is one of my life mantras and it applies just as equally to running sneakers as it does to my favorite strappy Mary-Jane Cole Haans.

· On top of it, running has a ton of technology that I love to tap into – not only the shoes and jackets and sports bras and socks (yes, I have special running socks so I don’t get blisters) – but also the Nike+ sensor and iPod receiver. I love technology.

I run because … I not only feel healthier: I am healthier.

· In the past year, my cholesterol has dropped 40 points – my doctor told me that my numbers looked as if I were on lipid inhibitors and added, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, because it’s working.”

· My body has toned up and slimmed down by 15 lbs in the past year . My resting heart rate has dropped. I sleep better at night. I choose healthier foods so as not to “waste” a workout.

· On the other hand, running gives me the right to some guilt-free splurging because I know I’ve already burned the calories I’m about to consume. Favorite Boston-based splurges: Boloco summer burrito and JP Licks Oreo cookie-dough ice cream. Mmmm, just mentioning them makes my mouth water. I think you know where to find me after today’s run …

I run because …. I am a strong, independent woman.

· Living alone, there are some days when the first human interaction I have is on a morning run. I need those faces, because I fear that some day I will become a crazy cat lady – and if the amount of talking I do to my cat is any indication, I’m already on my way.

· I know if I were put in a dangerous situation, I would have self-defense skills … but this way I also know I could take off and outrun the bastard if need be. After kneeing him in the crotch, of course.

I run because … it invigorates me and makes me a better person.

· I always thought it was kind of BS when people said things like this. “You’re moving your legs quickly, how can that make you a better person?” But …

· Running gives me time to clear my head from all the gunk that fills it up the rest of the day.

· Running gets me out into nature and forces me to breathe fresh air and enjoy sunshine.

· Running challenges me to beat my time from weeks and months prior.

· Running gives me time to reflect on the past day and pray for the days ahead.

· Running gets toxicity out of my body through sweat and breath.

· Running makes me feel alive and like whatever else I do, that day has not gone to waste.

And now, for the best part of a good run, I’m going to go reap the best benefit of all: a guilt-free nap. L’Chaim.

(PS In case you don’t believe my reasons, while I was in the process of writing this, Women’s Health posted a very similar article that underscores everything I’ve said here.)

Learn from Every Run

Yesterday I was scheduled for a 4.5 mile run. I knew that I'd been slowly working up to that mileage and I knew that my body would probably be able to handle it - that my heart would keep beating, my lungs would keep inhaling and exhaling in time, my legs would set the pace.
But what I didn't know was my brain could keep up. 4.5 miles? At my average pace (last week I averaged a 12:50 mi), that's just under an hour of running.

So at 9:20 am, I left my house with trepidation en route to the Charles River path. Here are some of the things I discovered:

- Trying to pace myself slower is difficult. I was attempting, for at least my first mile, to average around a 13:30 mile. I had trouble staying that slow ... now that's something I wasn't expecting to experience for a long time!
- Going to bed early isn't the only battery charging I need. Next time, I will fully charge my iPod. I probably left with about 75% battery life, but since I was running to music AND Nike+, it ate up my battery life much more rapidly than I anticipated.
- Don't wear running shorts over 4 miles. Thighs = OUCH. Guess it's back to the tighter capris for running this fall!
- Plan out longer routes in advance - not only because I ran out of power and couldn't use my iPod to gauge distance (which is always a bit off anyway), but also because I forgot that my last mile was uphill. That was poorly planned! I'd rather sprint it out until the end and feel great about myself and walk farther in my cool down than exhaust myself in the last push!

Because of my lack of planning, I only ran 4.2 miles out of my planned 4.5 ... but even so, I completed that 4.2 in 54 minutes, meaning my average pace was 12:55. Not bad for my longest run yet!

According to the schedule set by Runners World's SmartCoach, tomorrow I should do my first speed workout (4 miles) and on Saturday the plan is to run 5 miles. WOW. Let's see if my brain can keep up with my body on this one!

Encouragement from the MD

Two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor. Not only did he give me a referral for Physical Therapy (my right shoulder bugs me, especially when I run, so we decided to get that sorted out), but he also gave me a boost about my weight loss.

The last time I saw him was in February 2008, right after my 24th birthday. I weighed 216lbs (and had lost about 5lbs from when I first started seeing him in October 2007). At my July 2009 weigh-in (fully clothed & full of pee), I tipped the doctor's office scales at 198lbs.

I was elated to hear that number. I think I forgot that I ever weighed that much, so my weight loss seemed much more substantial in that moment. Sure, I have pictures on my wall that show me at heavier weights, but it's almost like those version of me aren't REAL anymore.

But then I got to thinking about it: 18lbs is awesome. But it took 18 months. At that rate, I wouldn't hit 180 lbs until February 2011, when I'll be turning 27. But if I were to lose a pound a week (which is healthy loss) rather than a pound a month, 180lbs would be an attainable goal for the end of 2009.

So much as I appreciate slow weight loss due to its sustainability ... I KNOW I can do better than this. It's not going to be easy, and it may not be consistent, but I will keep tracking and pushing and motivating and working towards a better future for myself.

And I'm well on my way - today I got back my lab results from that visit to the doctor and in the past year, my cholesterol has dropped 41 points.

But the biggest takeaway from that appointment with my doctor are his words, when he looked me in the eye and said, "Keep doing what you're doing. Because obviously, it's working."

Formulaic

I know that theoretically, weight loss should follow two formulas:
1. Calories burned > calories consumed = weight decrease
2. 3500 calories burned = 1 pound lost

Theoretically, these are true.

However, reality can be much less friendly than formulas would have you think. Especially when a system as complex as the human body is concerned. When I really think about the food I consume turning into fuel for propelling me throughout the day -- the proteins building into muscle, the surplus fats storing in case of emergency, the carbs burning for every day energy -- the whole thing just blows my mind. Then throw in other wrenches like stress, hormones, etc, and there's no way that we can pretend to fit our bodies' reactions into these simple formulas.

However, I think I'm starting to figure out a formula that works for me, including but not limited to these principles:
- Consume no more than 1600 net calories a day
- In order to not be starving, work out 5-6 days a week
- Generally that means 5 days of cardio and 3 days of weight training (often they overlap)

... that "formula" of sorts should lose me about a pound a week, by my new fangled calculations.
And it's been working - this morning I weighed in at 197.8! :) Woohoo!

... now let's see if my body can keep it up ...