Momentary setback

Staring out a window, watching the world go by
Sometimes it's as if time takes too long
Why don't I just take my own life?
But then my better sense kicks in, sit back and take a breath
Why am I thinking like that?
I'm only thinking of myself ...

Slow down boy, relax, a momentary setback
Don't take it so fast

Thanks for the perfect sentiment, Marc Broussard. :)

I'm sure in reading my two entries, as I pushed myself that extra bit and shaved :30 off my mile, you could see it coming: I pushed a little bit TOO hard and started feeling some pretty serious pain in my left calf. It'd been happening for a few days, but today it was to the point that I had to stop running because I knew if I didn't, it could be a REAL problem.

And then I had a thought: This calf pain began about the same time I switched to new shoes, which is also when I started really upping my weekly mileage. I thought I was being careful in my increases, so can the pain be attributed to the new shoes?

So after pulling myself off the treadmill (because OMG IS THE RAIN EVER GOING TO STOP, BOSTON?!), I limped to Marathon Sports in Washington Square and asked for their technical advice. All three employees there were exceedingly helpful as they confirmed my potential suspicions and watched me run in literally every possible way: in the old shoes, barefoot (ok that was just walking), in a stability pair, in a neutral pair, and in four different sizes.

Since we weren't sure of the true cause of the pain, the store manager agreed to extend the return policy slightly so that I could take a week off of running before taking my new Brooks Dyads for a couple of laps. How cool is that?

The part that surprised me the most was my internal response to their diagnosis: I have to take a week off of running? Then start back up slowly? But ... but ... I've worked so hard to get up to four miles, and in a week I have to start back at one! Waaaaaaaaah Rickyyyyyy!
And the worst part: Now I have to forgo the 5K I was hoping to do on Independence Day. But there will be other 5Ks, I'm sure.

I've decided to look at it not as a deterrent from future running, but as a momentary setback - a week off in order to ensure that I will have many weeks and many more runs in my future. This time off is an investment payment to the future runner that I am becoming.

Grace

This past Sunday's Gospel tells the story of Jesus calming a storm:

A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat,
so that it was already filling up.
Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.
They woke him and said to him,"Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"
He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!"
The wind ceased and there was great calm.
Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?"

I've been thinking a lot about this Gospel and the subsequent homily that I heard, about how often we think that Jesus is "asleep" in our lives just because we don't see His active
movement. I've been thinking and praying about this, especially because lately I've been feeling kind of isolated (though I love living alone, sometimes I also get lonely) and wondering what is keeping me in Boston, given that I have many friends in other cities who are encouraging me to move closer.
Since Sunday, I've been asking God, "Why do I feel like you're asleep? How are you working in my life that I can't see? Why aren't you calming my internal storm of listlessness?"

So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up at 4am and knew the answer:

Running. Fitness. Strength. Health.

Sure, I can pretend that if I lived closer to my friends, I would still care this much about my health. I can assure myself that if I had things to distract me, I would still be running 8-10 miles a week. I can guarantee myself that living closer to other people would be more active because I'd have work-out buddies.
But I'd be lying.

Four years ago in France, I was speaking with a South African seminary student, who explained to me the different types of grace. I've forgotten most of the conversation, but I remember an explanation of one kind of grace, a grace whose entire purpose is to get you out the door to church, or at least in pursuit of God. You may resist the grace, but it is constantly calling you to your knees.

That's where God's been hiding for me: in the grace to get me out the door. This desire to be fit, to be healthy, to be strong - this desire has been planted into my heart. The desire to run and the grace to move me are both God's gifts to me in this time of relative simplicity, so that I may use my body to His greater glory.

And as this all started coming together at 4 this morning, I knew I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep, so I did the next logical thing: I laced up my shoes and was out the door at 5:30.



I've been trying for weeks to make it 3 miles in under 40 minutes, and somehow, this morning, I knew it was worth another shot. I set my Nike+ for 5K distance, set my iPod to my 2Tim4:7 playlist ("I have fought the fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith"), and I hit the road.

I know I've written about the spiritual value of running to these songs before, and I could go through a short novel about how each of these songs spurs me on; however, with this 4am revelation of grace, there was one song that sums it all up:

Great is Your Faithfulness, O God
You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart
Just as He asked His disciples, "Do you not yet have faith?" in the same way He is patient with me, wrestling through all of my fears and insecurities to get at my heart.
You lead us by still waters into mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
At this point in my running, I was on the Upper Charles River Path, so I looked to my right and saw the "still waters" of the Charles and almost felt a little spring in my step, propelling me forward.
So remember Your people, remember Your children
Remember Your promise, O God
The singer isn't really reminding God, but allowing the thought of God's promises to come back into the collective memory - God doesn't forget His promises, but sometimes we forget all that He has done and all that He continues to do.
Your Grace is enough, Your Grace is enough
Your Grace is enough for me

I read an article with this song's author, Matt Maher, a number of years ago (which of course I can't find now). Matt talked about a time when he was in his mid-20s and kept asking God to give him something to fill the ache of loneliness and God's eventual response was along the lines of, "No Matt, I have to be enough." And Matt took the story of Jacob and layered it over St. Paul's 2 Cor 12:

... a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me,
but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

And it was in reflecting on this idea of the thorn of loneliness that I realized that in my weakness and isolation, that is where I can find strength in Him. And it is in my inability to run quickly that I can gain strength and stamina and endurance from Him, for, as many athletes say, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Breaking 13 min mile

NB: Since I recently switched from running with my iPod Touch back to my Nano, I spent the first 1/2 mile of today's workout re-calibrating the Nano to my running pace, so my numbers are a bit askew. But I tried to keep the same pace once I began recording a 5K, which is how I can come up with the number of 3.6 miles (5K plus my pre-planned .5mi) in 46:13. Here's the 5K chart:



Unfortunately at about the 2.5km-to-go point, the iPod started playing a song that naturally picked up my pace, and THEN I hit the hills ... which explains the second half slowdown.
But even so, according to these (only slightly questionable!) calculations, I ran just under 2 miles today in about 20 minutes. Even with the obvious decrease in speed, I still averaged 12:50/mi. If I didn't fear tweaking out my shins, I might have tried to push the length of my run to prove my 4.5 mph speed ... but I'm trying to do this the safe, healthy, injury-free way, so I'll just keep plodding along at my every-so-slightly-increasing pace until I can build all new goals for myself.
Woohoo!

Beating the Rain ... and the Spread

I was very proud of myself yesterday.

I also made it out the door when normally I would have thrown in the towel. The weather was overcast and the forecast called for impending rain, PLUS the Sox-Yankees game was starting at 7:10 ... but I still walked out the door at 6:30 with the intention of going either 3 miles or 45 minutes. And in the 50 minutes that I jogged, I covered 3.5 miles of ground.

I made it home, stretched, walked in and turned on the TV, and watched David Ortiz hit a second-inning home run. I beat the rain by about 5 innings. And most of all, I was just proud that I didn't give in to all of my excuses and got my ass out the door.

------

I'm thinking of signing up for a 5K. There's one 2 towns away in 3 weeks. On July 4.
At first I resisted ("I have a barbeque that afternoon" and "But that's like vacation!") but I'm such a symbolic person that I think I might actually do the 4th of July date, not only because it's convenient, but as a symbol of my independence from my sedentary lifestyle. And cheesily enough, I'm really excited about that metaphor.

June 1 weigh-in: 201.8lbs

Ok, so it's become pretty clear: those weekly weigh-ins? I suck at those.

From September 2008 till March 2009, I was pretty good at recording that information, even if I didn't post it in the most timely manner.

But then? I hit a plateau. And rather than acknowledge it as a plateau and fight through it, I did the easy thing and focused my attention elsewhere. Mostly with the sentiment, "OMG, I don't actually HATE running!"

Then in May, the shit kind of hit the fan. Between finishing my Masters degree and coordinating a $50K fundraiser and entertaining my family and squeezing in a vacation and subsequently getting quite sick, I fell the wagon. I was keeping up as best I could, but my healthy eating failed.

And shockingly, I didn't gain all that much weight, all things considered:
March 2: 198.8
April 5: 199.2
May 3: 200.4
June 1: 201.8

I could pat myself on the back that a three month gain of 3 pounds is not bad at ALL. 3 pounds, I could tell myself, that's just a good shit. But that kind of enabling behavior is what got me to 200+ lbs to begin with. Plus? I worked really hard this fall to get that weight off, so why am I allowing myself to put it back on?

No point to beating myself up over it now; what's done is done. But here are some steps I've taken or am planning to take to get back on track:
- I bought a real scale. A high quality, well-rated one, that shows little changes in an accountable way and doesn't fluctuate a ton and allow me to get away with cheap tricks.
- After 5 weeks off (and giving myself time to enjoy May without guilt), I started back up the food journal on June 1. After just a few days back to tracking, I'm remembering just how hard it is to stay within limits ... but without writing it down, I barely realize all that goes into my mouth. So it's worth the stress and the hassle.
- I'm scheduling a wellness visit with my primary care (I have some necessary bloodwork anyway) and want to get a referral to a dietitian. Hopefully if I bring in a month's worth of food journal, that person can help me see where I've been doing well, what could use some improvement and how that change can happen.

Alright, it's late & I should go to sleep. After all, Hal Hingdon has me charted to run 2 miles tomorrow.