Almost 4 years ago, I applied for the Peace Corps. Two years into the process, I went through their rigorous medical screening process and was diagnosed with Grave's Disease - a condition in which my thyroid sometimes goes into overdrive without warning. It's almost inconsequential in my day-to-day life, but it was enough for the Peace Corps to say, "Umm, no thanks."
I had to meet with an endocrinologist to get some of the paperwork completed and it was in his office that I realized that my lifestyle was unsustainable. While Grave's may not be life-threatening, being at the endocrinologist was a reminder I was on my way to a whole 'nother host of metabolic syndromes, such as type 2 diabetes and its tie-in with glaucoma (which I'm already at high-risk for).
Anyway, long story short, because of all the myriads of tests and vaccinations I had to go through, I ended up with a copy of all my medical records from my pediatrician. And after I was, as they say in PC-speak, MNQed (medically not qualified) ... I took a look at the records as I tried to figure out a new plan for my future.
That's when I saw the weight chart. I had never really paid attention to what I weighed until I had to go to all these doctor visits for PC and got weighed every time I saw any medical professional ... but looking back at my history, I saw how my weight had always been at least 20lbs over the recommended weight for my height/age. And I saw how my weigh-in in 2000, at the age of 16, was 190lbs. And seeing that number at the age of 24 (weight: 218), I was astonished and think I made an unconscious vow to beat that number of 190lbs.
Well, today, I hit it: 189.6lbs!
I couldn't have told you in 2007 that weighing 190 would also mean wearing a size 10 and being able to run 5 miles, I just knew I wanted to beat my 16 y/o self. I guess a part of me never believed that I could even get/stay below 200lbs. (And with the approx-6-month plateau I hit at 200, I had good reason to doubt.)
I was talking to a friend about this milestone & she asked me what my goal weight was. And that's when I realized: I don't really have a goal weight. I mean, I gained weight so slowly and consistently that I don't have a memory of a time when I was at a good weight, a place where I could say "I feel healthy here" the way that so many people do. I feel like my weight-loss process has been so long and intensive that setting an arbitrary "goal weight" sort of ... I don't know, it limits my goals and ambitions, if that makes sense.
I think I might just keep pushing myself, and wherever my body stops is where it's meant to be. BMI charts say that the "healthy" weight for my height (5'8") is somewhere between 125-160 ... but honestly, I don't know how much I buy into the BMI. I prefer the Health at Every Size concept of a "setpoint weight," where your body feels comfortable. I'm pretty sure that my genes/body type would dictate that I would look ridiculous at 5'8" and 125lbs ... but I think I could be ok to strive for somewhere in the 150-160 range ... but at this point, I'm pretty happy with 190 and wouldn't begrudge 175 either!
While I'm elated to be hovering around 190, it's also not exactly real in my head. I know people say "weight is just a number" and to a certain extent, I think I buy into that more than most, as it isn't something that I really started thinking about or monitoring until about 2 years ago.
However, the changes in clothing size is really messing with me. I wore a size 14-16 for so long that I wearing a 10 is a funny feeling. Like I remember maybe 4-5 years ago thinking to myself that my body probably wouldn't ever get back down to a size 2 (where I was at age 8) but wouldn't it be great to wear a 10? because that's the lowest I could imagine myself.
So right now, today, I'm at 190 and wearing a size 10. That means that by 175-180, I could be wearing an 8. "But ..." my inner monologue says, "eight? That's what skinny girls wear!" (You know you've got body dysmorphia issues when ...;) )
I'm in uncharted territory here. These ideas about being a size "medium," while exciting, are out of my comfort zone in terms of my self-image. I'm really enjoying the thrill of all these new experiences ... while simultaneously not trying to be freaked out by coming to terms with the fact that I've been selling myself short for years. It will take time, but I am on my way to re-inventing my self-identity. And it is thrilling.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
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